Effortlessly perfect

A few years ago, the results of a study conducted at my alma mater on undergraduate women were released. One of the most memorable comments current students had about their experience was regarding the pressure they felt to be "effortlessly perfect". Women, they said, were expected to be beautiful, intelligent, and socially adept without ever letting on to any effort this perfect package might require. Men are not held to the same standard; they are allowed, and even expected, to let the world know how hard they work. I think some people outside of the university (and certainly administrators there as well) were surprised by this response, but for many alumnae that I know, this came as no shock. We agreed that we certainly felt the same pressure while we were students there. What I wonder now is whether this attitude extends well beyond my little undergrad institution and affects women at large today.

I feel the same pressure today as I felt then, but surely some (if not all) is self-inflicted at this point. I have very carefully crafted the persona that I can handle any- and everything on my plate (despite the obvious fact that I work until midnight on a daily basis and, this past week aside, rarely take a weekend off) because surviving in my particular male-dominated field almost seems to require it. And I don't want to just survive. If I am going to do this, I want to do it well! I want to be somebody, and I want to make a real contribution. I already stand out as one of only a few women in the department--the last thing I need to do is develop a reputation of not being able to handle it. So I do it all, probably even more than I need to. With good shoes and a smile on my face. And I continue to perpetuate the myth I have created around myself.

A Real Winner

I had a student email me this afternoon with questions about our exam tomorrow. He was deeply confused about three things: (1) The location of the exam, (2) The starting time of the exam, and most importantly (3) What my TA meant during the review session when he told the class that it would be a 50-minute exam. I assured my concerned student that the exam would be in our normal classroom, during the normal 50-minute class period just as I have been reminding the class everyday for the last week and a half. *sigh* I wonder if this student has ever actually attended my class. Ever.

I also have to deal with two students tomorrow whose last homework papers were nearly identical. I encourage my students to work together on the problems, but I was very clear that I expect them to write up their own homeworks. There's a difference between working together and turning in the exact same paragraph-long discussions, word for word. That should be a fun conversation.

A skirt update: my staples held yesterday, even through a tutoring session after work! So in a fashion pinch, remember: office supplies are your friend. The skirt retained its basic structural integrity during the removal process last night, though the zipper itself has seen better days. I'm going to have to figure out how to replace that. I'm kind of wishing I still had my Holly Hobby sewing machine, circa 1982.

Update: I actually found my old turquoise Holly Hobby sewing machine on eBay!! Wow.

I'm alive, barely

You might have noticed that I used to keep a blog here. I remember those times fondly, those were good times. Time to sit down, think about what's going on, share it with a few friends.... those times are apparently long gone.

Sorry about the lack of posts guys; things have become barely-under-control busy for me. I am my own personal medical experiment in sleep deprivation.

I think my class is going well, but I'm giving my first exam on Wednesday so that will be the first real gauge of what my students are and are not understanding. I'm struggling to write the exam, too; I wish I had a better handle on what's an appropriate question, both difficulty-wise and length-wise. I already told them that the test would be challenging, but my fear is that it will be way too long and/or way too hard. Plus, I have half the department watching me from afar (some from more closeby than others); I can't go to colloquium in the afternoons with fewer than 4 different faculty members asking me how my class is going!! I appreciate their concern on some level, but I cannot help thinking that some are watching simply to see if I crash and burn. I don't need that kind of pressure. Believe me, I'm already putting enough on myself, thank you very much.

In good news, though, my friend Jackie is coming to visit this weekend! Yay!! :) This will be my first out-of-town guest that is not blood-related to me since I moved out here. So I am really looking forward to some shopping, some knitting, some eating of good food, drinking of good wine, and some general sitting around with some girl movies and toenail polish. I'm even taking a day off from work to spend with her! (Well, not the whole day; I do have to teach for an hour that morning. But I'm getting the heck out of dodge right after class--I have some serious socializing to do!)

And just for everyone's entertainment this Monday, I thought that I would tell you how my week began this morning. I had to get to work today a little bit early to do some photocopying before my class, so of course I was running late getting out of the house. I raced to work, hopped out of the car, threw my laptop backpack over my shoulder as I headed up the hill toward the bus stop and "Zippp!" The zipper on my skirt broke. Actually the zipping part of the zipper didn't break, it stayed in place; the rest of the zipper came unzipped below it. (And I should add for my own mental well-being that this skirt is not tight on me, it's not like I am busting out of my clothes). Thank you Target for cutting corners and buying cheap zippers for your cute skirts. Anyway, I get to my office and proceed to try to fix it only to find that the zipper will not move. At all. It's not moving to the point that I may actually have to cut myself out of the skirt this evening. Now, I am a pretty resourceful girl. I first tried a cautious application of some hand lotion to try to grease up the zipper. No go. I looked around my desk for needle and thread, but no. That's safely at home. No safety pins either. The safety pins I tried to fashion out of paperclips turned out to be a less than stellar approximation to an actual safety pin. (That locking mechanism for the pin turns out to be key!) T-70 minutes before class, and I am standing in my office, door shut, stapler in hand, stapling the zipper of my skirt closed.

I kid you not. I am literally stapled into my clothes today.

I spent my entire lecture this morning wondering how well those staples would hold and if, with one wrong move, my entire skirt was going to come flying open. It wouldn't fall off, thank the heavens, because the damn zipping mechanism is still stuck at the top of the zipper. But it would fly open. At the very least, I was certainly less worried than I normally am about having my lecture be absolutely perfect. I was just happy to remain fully clothed.